remembering a poet on the anniversary of his birth

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume;
For every atom belonging to me, as good belongs to you. 

WALT WHITMAN
(May 31, 1819 - March 26, 1892)

The Blank Page

One of the reasons I started blogging last year was fear.

Fear of the blank page.

Okay so maybe “fear” is a bit strong but as a writer there is sometimes nothing more daunting than the blank page (or nowadays perhaps it’s more appropriate to talk about the blank screen…I used to have to start any writing longhand on legal pads and then, after having written a couple of pages, I would type it into my word processing program and continue on from there; I very rarely do that these days because my typing is faster than my scrawled printing and I’m used to writing here now.)

This blog…and my other one, Neverending Rainbow…serve the task of getting me past the blank page by giving me forums where I have to meet a self-imposed goal of producing new writing on a semi-regular basis. And, thus far, it has worked.

Working on writing exercises both short and, especially, long (like “Joshua and Rosa”, my stab at a romance story which was recently serialized in the space) have not only met that goal but, as I hoped, jumpstarted my other writing.

I have, for example, recently returned to working again in earnest on my third novel. It will be my third novel completed but the first one that I actually begun (more years ago than I care to count.)

It been started several times over the years…there is a drawer full of notes and drafts in my bedroom…and stopped just as often. It is…will be…some of the most personal writing of my life…a semi-autobiographical (emphasis on the “semi”…it’s not my life, just a life that holds a number of remarkable similarities) story of a quiet boy, his family, and his best friend with a special emphasis on the relationships between fathers and sons. It never felt like the right time to finish it...until now. Two chapters in and it’s flowing nicely in all of its bittersweet, “any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it)” glory.

Sometimes being a writer is such a rush :-)

Blogs of Note: Blog Cruiser

This neat little site, functioning as an informative conduit to other interesting blogs out in the ever-expanding blogosphere, is one of my favorite sites to visit (it was one of the first sites I included on B&R's blogroll and I have been remiss in not featuring it here before this.)

Blog Cruiser features even-handed blog reviews, ratings, and news that introduces us to engaging blogs we might not otherwise stumble upon. It's an oasis of information and positive energy with a clean, easy-to-navigate presentation. It's a highly recommended stop for those looking for intriguing new blogs to discover, enjoy, and share.

* * * * *
The previous "blogs of note" all remain sites I think well worth your time, attention, and consideration:

A Gag Reflex

Dog Eat Doug

No One's Child

So What Can I Do?

My Neighbours Are Hoors!

63 Days

PSoTD

The Donegal Express

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 16)

A thick shroud of grief hung over the house for months and then Rosa, realizing that she was neglecting her duties as a wife and a mother, called upon her reserves of energy and came back to her family. Rosa’s doubts about her ability to ever bear another child stayed with her and brought sadness to her eyes even as she rallied to take charge of her home once more.

Joshua’s doubts also lingered and it made him skittish about being intimate with Rosa again. It was not that he did not desire her…for the good Lord knew that he did…but he was afraid of losing her, afraid that she might die in childbirth as other women he’d known had.

One late night when the house was still…and the children and Mrs. Lopez were sound asleep in their rooms…Joshua and Rosa, both unable to sleep, found the words to talk about their fears. They talked softly, their bodies nuzzling slowly close together, and when they were done talking they kissed…passionately instead of perfunctorily as they had for so many months…and then, shy as newlyweds, they made love.

Some months later, Rosa was pregnant again, her heart filled with both hope and dread. But this time the baby came to term and was a strapping boy, healthy as horse and the spitting image of his very relieved and proud father. They named the new boy Ethan…for no reason other than it seemed to fit the child…and threw a big party to celebrate his arrival.

The town continued to grow and thrive as more people from the East found their way there and decided to stay instead of going further west. As a result, Joshua’s business also continued to grow until he was one of the most successful businessmen in the county. The pace, however, began to wear on him as he spent more and more time away from home trying to keep up with the jobs coming into the shop.

Rosa’s days continued to be full as well as she delivered two more children…Sarah and Rose…in the next three years. Mrs. Lopez stayed with the family until after Sarah’s birth but she had to leave when one of her sons got married and sent for her. Rosa decided that she could take care of her home without help so she rebuffed Joshua’s suggestion that they find another housekeeper to help her.

Though their days were long, Joshua and Rosa were happy because they had their home, they had their healthy, happy children, and they had each other. It was, all things considered, a good life.

* * * * *

Joshua wandered back onto the porch to smoke. His belly was full of Rosa’s delicious beef stew and despite the weariness in his bones, he felt good. He sat down on the top step and lit his pipe. Joshua puffed on his pipe, allowing the aromatic smoke to slowly escape from his lips as he savored it.

Rosa, having washed the dishes Joshua used, slipped out onto the porch. “Beautiful night,” she said idly, stifling a yawn. She let her hand linger on her husband’s shoulder and she stepped down and sat on the second step between Joshua’s legs. Rosa rested her head on Joshua’s thigh and looked up at the stars.

Joshua stroked his wife’s hair. “Very beautiful,” he said. He paused and set his pipe down on the edge of the porch. “You know…sometimes I get so tired that I don’t take time to appreciate all that I have.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I love you, wife,” he said, somewhat self-consciously, “I hope you always believe that.”

Rosa allowed herself a small smile. “Of course, I do, Joshua,” she replied softly. “I believe that and I am proud to be your wife.”

Joshua stroked Rosa’s face. “We have a good life, Rosa,” he said.

Rosa smiled again. “Hopefully there’s room for one more in that life, husband,” she said coyly, her hand lingering on her stomach. She looked up into his eyes.

Joshua frowned quizzically and then he smiled broadly. “Well, hopefully it will be a boy this time…John and Ethan and me are a little bit outnumbered right now…”

Rosa stood up and Joshua pulled her down to sit on his lap. Rosa snuggled against her husband’s chest and closed her eyes. Joshua picked up his pipe and puffed on it gently as he rocked his wife in his arms.

Joshua finished his pipe and emptied the ashes on the ground. Carefully, he lifted Rosa, who had fallen into a peaceful sleep, and carried her into the house and on to their bed.

- for Jennifer -

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 15)

Despite the seeming rapprochement, the tension between them lingered for weeks. Joshua alternated between being contrite…he knew that he had betrayed Rosa…and being annoyed…he was a man and she was his wife and that’s all that should have mattered. But he held his tongue and kept his patience…even to the point of not forcing the issue when she would shy away from his touch in their bed at night…hoping and praying that Rosa would forgive him and things could be the way they were before.

Rosa, for her part, understood the ways of men…her father had dallied with other women and her mother had seemed to accept that as the way things were…but it didn’t lessen her sense of betrayal and loss. She hardened her heart against him but found that she could not sustain that feeling...she loved him too much. She found forgiveness in her heart though a tiny part of her trust in him was forever lost.

Even the children were out of sorts still not sure what to make of Emma’s sudden disappearance from their lives.

One rainy night, Joshua reached for his wife fully expecting to be rebuffed again but astonished to find her receptive to his touch. He kissed her and she responded in kind…he touched her and she shuddered in response. He joined with her and she gave silent thanks to God for the fact that her love and passion for him remained so powerful despite his betrayal of their vows.

Joshua and Rosa slowly but surely repaired their bond, allowing Emma’s memory to fade…almost but not completely…into the shadows as he worked hard at his business and she worked hard raising their children and keeping their house. After some weeks of heated discussion, Rosa finally acceded to Joshua’s decision to hire a new housekeeper to help with the chores and the children.

Rosa was left to make the decision about who would get the job and she selected Mrs. Lopez, a 50-year-old widow who had lived close to Rosa’s hometown. Senora Lopez was a plump woman with high cheekbones, rich brown skin tanned by the sun, and dark brown eyes. Mrs. Lopez had long black hair highlighted by random strands of silver. Mrs. Lopez’ husband had died a mysterious death while prospecting in California and her four sons had gone off to find their own fortunes in the mountains out west. Mrs. Lopez and her only daughter were going back to Mexico when they stopped in the town near Joshua and Rosa’s home. Mrs. Lopez’ daughter ran off with a man who was passing through town on his way south and Mrs. Lopez, heartbroken and alone, had reluctantly stayed put taking on housekeeping jobs and living in the boarding house on the outskirts of town.

Rosa had met Mrs. Lopez one afternoon while shopping and the two of them delighted in being able to converse in their native tongue. It took little persuasion to get Mrs. Lopez to accept the position when Rosa offered it. The children took to her right away and even Joshua seemed comfortable having Mrs. Lopez in the house.

Rosa and Joshua were both enormously relieved and pleased a couple of months after Mary’s first birthday as Rosa realized that she was again with child. The doctor confirmed her intuitive feeling and Rosa was delighted. Her joy was short-lived though as some weeks later she began having terrible pain. Mrs. Lopez, recognizing to her horror what might be happening, took charge of the situation dispatching Joshua to track down the doctor.

Rosa knew what was happening too…it had happened to her mother…but she railed against it, not willing to concede defeat in this most important of things. But the doctor, whom Joshua had half dragged back from the next town over, confirmed what both women knew already: Rosa had lost the child.

Rosa withdrew into herself after that, leaving the care of the children and the house in the steady hands of Mrs. Lopez. For weeks she barely spoke, barely acknowledged anyone.

Joshua, dealing with heartache of his own over their lost child, stayed as strong as he could…working hard while giving Rosa the space she needed to recover.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 14)

The tension continued for a few days until Rosa, perplexed because she didn’t know what she had done to deserve his silence, decided she’d had enough. As she and Joshua were preparing for bed she demanded to know what had caused his lingering foul mood.

Joshua’s first impulse was to lie and say that nothing was wrong but, wracked by guilt and needing to unburden himself, he found he could not. He sat on the edge of their bed and looked down at the floor as, softly and haltingly, he confessed his intimate encounter with Emma.

Rosa, scalding tears welling in her eyes, started to scream but held herself back for fear of waking the children. Joshua reached up to comfort her but she slapped his proffered hand away hissing whispered invective in both Spanish and English.

Rosa, filled with fury and disappointment, ordered him to get Emma…”that whore”…out of her house that very minute. Joshua started to protest but the hurt in his wife’s eyes made him stop.

Joshua pulled on his shirt and slipped out of the room. Emma, who had understood the gist of the exchange from her room next door, was already packing when Joshua knocked at her door. There were tears streaming down her face as well. Joshua stood silently, his shoulders stooped, in the doorway as Emma gathered her belongings. Joshua carried her bags outside while Emma slipped in to kiss the cheeks of the sleeping children before dashing out of the house.

After hitching one of the horses to the wagon, Joshua helped Emma up. They drove into town not speaking to each other at all.

Rosa saw none of this as she was curled up in a tight ball on their bed sobbing into a pillow so as to muffle the sound and not rouse her babies.

Joshua got Emma a room at the hotel near his shop and then he went to the saloon to have a drink. When the saloon closed up for the night, Joshua briefly considered going home but that didn’t seem like a good idea. Fleetingly, he considered going to Emma’s hotel room, but he dismissed that as being a very bad idea as well. Sighing deeply, Joshua trudged over to his shop and curled up in a corner of the stable area to sleep alone.

In the morning, Joshua went to his bank and withdrew a sum and then he went to check the stagecoach schedule. Afterwards he went to the hotel. Emma, who hadn’t slept much for crying, let him in to her room and pleaded for a chance to go back and make things right with Rosa. Joshua said that that wouldn’t be a good idea…something Emma knew already.

Joshua gave her money and the coach ticket he had bought. He told her she should either go find her husband or go back East and start her life over back there.

Emma stroked his face and told him that she was sorry. Joshua shook off her apology offering one of his own in its stead…he was a man and he was supposed to be strong and true to his vows. They hugged…tentatively but with lingering echoes of desire…and he kissed her cheek…as gallantly and chastely as he could. They spoke no more until they were downstairs in the dining room having breakfast.

After breakfast, Joshua saw her to the morning coach and stood watching as it pulled out taking Emma east…back home where she knew that she belonged.

After working for a while in his shop, Joshua went back to his wagon and spurred the horse on towards his home…where he knew that he belonged.

Rosa was hanging clothes on the line behind the house when he came up. The children were asleep in a playpen on the porch. Rosa refused to even glance up Joshua’s way as he slowly approached her.

Joshua stood in front of his wife waiting for her to acknowledge him and when Rosa looked up, her eyes filled with hurt and lingering anger, he sank down to his knees and put his arms tight around her waist. Joshua closed his eyes tight against the tears he felt ready to spill and silently rested his head against Rosa’s belly.

Rosa held her hands up at first, not knowing how to react, but in time she brought them down on his shoulders. And then she tentatively brought her hands up to his hair and gently stroked it. Rosa closed her own eyes and held her prodigal husband tight. They stayed like that for a seeming eternity until John began to rouse and Rosa, reluctantly but purposefully, disengaged from Joshua’s embrace.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 13)

One overcast day, Rosa took John with her into town to purchase some material to make new curtains for the family room. Emma was left in charge of Mary who was fast asleep in her crib. Joshua was finishing a project in the workshop in the barn.

Emma took lunch out to Joshua who was working without his shirt as he swung the great hammer onto molten iron. Emma lingered in the doorway of the barn much as Rosa often did on such occasions.

Joshua, taking a moment to mop his brow with the handkerchief he kept in his back pocket, glanced and noticed his audience. His first impulse was to reach for his shirt, which he had thrown onto the handle of a nearby plow but he stayed that. He watched silently as Emma crossed the space between them carrying the tray with his lunch on it. He took note once more of her smooth, fair skin and her golden hair and he felt himself rising to arousal.

Emma placed the tray down near the forge and walked closer to Joshua. Neither of them could find any words. They stood a foot or so separate their eyes boring into each other’s. Then Joshua reached out with his great, calloused hand and stroked Emma’s cheek. Emma sighed softly and tentatively reached out to stroke the sweat-glistened dark hair on Joshua’s chest.

Joshua took a deep breath and then pulled the girl to him, kissing her lips hungrily. Emma, so long without the touch of a man, surged into his arms, her dress and apron growing damp with his sweat. Joshua lifted her up into his arms and carried her over to a far corner of the barn where bales of hay for the horses were stored. He sat her on one of the bales and shoved her dress and petticoat up revealing her alabaster thighs while she clung to his neck anxiously.

Joshua all but ripped her underwear down and then furiously undid his own dungarees. He paused for a moment, guilt stabbing him like a sword, but an encouraging kiss from Emma was enough for him to go forth. Emma cried out as Joshua surged into her and they rutted together, her legs tight around his hips, for a long inarticulate time until Joshua growled his orgasm deep into the girl.

Emma clung to Joshua, standing there with his trousers around his ankles and his manhood still inside her, and he held her tight. They said nothing, sharing humid kisses until they disengaged from each other. Emma pulled up her now-tattered underwear and slid off the bale. She looked up at Joshua but found that he could not meet her gaze now. Emma leaned forward and planted a tender kiss on Joshua’s chest and then she scrambled past him and dashed out of the barn and into the house. She quickly changed clothes, taking special care to dispose of her ripped underwear in the fireplace.

When Rosa and John returned, Joshua was still out in the barn working. Emma, having changed into a different dress and apron, was changing Mary’s diaper. Rosa felt an odd tension from Emma but as Mary was now ready to be fed she couldn’t pursue the thought. Rosa handed John, who had fallen asleep during the ride home, to Emma and took Mary into the bedroom to nurse her.

The mood was odd and tense at supper…both Joshua and Emma saying little…and Rosa’s began to wonder exactly what had happened. Rosa knew better than to press Joshua when he wasn’t in a mood to talk so she concentrated on her children and tried to keep suspicion out of her mind and her heart.

Joshua, for his part, was consumed by guilt…guilt over having betrayed his wife and, perhaps even worse, guilt over the fact that he still found himself mightily attracted to Emma. Unsure of what he needed to do, he withdrew from both of them…keeping them at arm’s distance with stony silence.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 12)

For some reason, Rosa’s second delivery was more troublesome than her first but luckily the doctor happened to be in the area when she went into labor and thus was able to attend her.

Joshua paced nervously on the porch while the doctor and the midwife helped Rosa through a protracted and painful delivery. Emma kept John distracted while keeping an eye on Joshua as well.

The baby…a plump girl with eyes and hair both as dark as her mother’s…finally quit Rosa’s womb after hours of labor. The baby’s cry was full and healthy and Rosa’s pain melted instantly away as she cradled her new child.

Joshua heard the cry too and felt relief wash over him. He waited anxiously to be allowed egress into the bedroom and rushed in once the midwife opened the door. Rosa, who was obviously tired but beaming just the same, introduced him to his daughter and Joshua felt his heart melt into a warm puddle.

Mary…named for her maternal grandmother…turned out to be an active, happy baby with bright, inquisitive eyes and an engaging smile. Mary quickly charmed the men in her life…Joshua and John…though Joshua refused opportunities to hold her for fear of hurting the child.

Mary’s birth left Rosa weak for a few weeks. The doctor had advised her to take it easy but Rosa insisted on trying to get up and take care of her children and her house just the same. But eventually she had to reluctantly concede that she needed to cut back in order to heal. Rosa focused on taking care of Mary while Emma took on a greater share of responsibility for the housework and for John.

Rosa’s greatest fear was that this weakness meant that she might not be able to bear any more children. Joshua was worried about that too…though that was overshadowed by a fear that Rosa might not recover at all.

Joshua stayed close to home, working in the forge in the barn, for the next couple of weeks. He regarded his wife warily, feeling helpless and unable to do anything to make things better. Joshua was enormously grateful for Emma’s presence in his home as he would have not the first clue about taking care of two children and an ailing wife.

Emma’s duties expanded to include most of the cooking as well as taking care of Rosa’s needs as the days passed.

And then Rosa rallied. Her strength returned and her spirits rose in kind. Her family needed her, she told herself, and that thought seemed to be enough to bring the healing that she had been praying for since Mary’s birth. Even as she resumed her place as woman of the house, Rosa found that she too was grateful that Emma was there to help her take care of the house.

Joshua cautiously ventured the opinion that they should keep Emma on even though Rosa was back up to speed and he was surprised when Rosa agreed without hesitation.

Emma kept her own counsel…rarely smiling but seemingly pleased to be somewhere she was needed and wanted.

Joshua was extremely solicitous to Rosa for weeks after she had recovered…not wanting to tax her despite her insistence that she was feeling completely up to snuff. Having seen her grow so weak after giving birth, Joshua found that he was quite reluctant to lay with her as a husband for fear of making Rosa pregnant again.

Rosa, for her part, had some misgivings as well…but despite these she longed to feel her husband’s passion once more.

As the weeks went on, Joshua found that his eyes lingered on Emma’s lithe body and golden hair longer than he, as a married man, should have. Rosa, her hands full with the two children, seemed not to notice this. And if Emma noticed she gave no sign of it.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 11)

In the seventh month of Rosa’s pregnancy, Joshua’s strength failed him as he succumbed to the fever that had been striking throughout their part of the country for weeks. Though he tried to soldier on, Rosa finally put her foot down and made him take to bed as the doctor had ordered. Things got worse when John was felled by the fever as well. Rosa tended to her men day and night while praying that she wouldn’t fall prey to the fever lest her baby be endangered.

John’s youthful system beat back the fever in a few days and he was back on his feet. Joshua, much to his chagrin, was bedridden for more than a week, occasionally getting so delirious that Rosa feared that he would die.

But Joshua did not die. As his strength began to return he tried to get back to work but Rosa furiously forbade him from getting out of bed before he was well. Joshua heeded his wife’s command and petulantly returned to bed.

It was only when Joshua was back up on his feet and John was well past the fever that Rosa herself finally surrendered to fatigue. Joshua carried her to bed and sent for the midwife to make sure his wife and unborn child were okay.

Rosa proved to be as impatient a patient as her husband did as she endured a week of bed rest on Joshua’s orders. Joshua hired Emma, a young woman who had been brought west by her husband and then subsequently abandoned by him when he decided to seek his fortune unencumbered, to help out with the house and the baby.

Emma was all of 20, fair and blonde with haunted, sad eyes. She was pleasant enough but she was weighed down by so much disappointment and betrayal that she rarely smiled. Since her husband had run off to the mountains of California looking for gold, Emma had survived by doing odd jobs. She had a vague notion of accumulating enough money to return to the east even though she didn’t know what she would do once she got there.

Rosa was wary…uncomfortable with the notion of another woman (especially a white woman) in her house…but Joshua was adamant and in time she relaxed a bit about it. Especially when Rosa decided that Emma was not covetous of her family or her home.

Once she was back on her feet, Rosa reluctantly agreed with Joshua’s notion of keeping Emma on to help with their burgeoning household. Rosa was concerned a bit that Emma might resent taking orders from a Mexican woman but Emma never displayed any such misgivings.

In truth as she grew closer to her due date, Rosa came to appreciate the fact that the girl was there to help her with the seemingly never-ending chore of keeping the house and grounds kept up. And even John, wary about the newcomer at first, took to Emma in due course.

Joshua for his part was glad to be able to take some of the burden off his wife’s back. The girl Emma seemed to be one of the saddest creatures he had ever met…of course being abandoned by your husband might do that, he reckoned…but she was a hard worker and that pleased him. She was also, he couldn’t help but notice in idle moments, easy on the eye as well, the kind of girl he’d imagined himself marrying before he fell in love with his precious Rosa.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 10)

The last night of their stay was a rainy one. Their tent was proof against the downfall, Joshua had made sure that it would be, but Rosa huddled tight against her husband just the same. As the rain danced its carefree rhythm on their tent, Rosa whispered to Joshua that she needed him intimately. At first Joshua was a bit taken aback since Rosa had never initiated intimacy before…and, further, they were a scant few yards from her parent’s door…but pushed past that and rolled over to kiss his wife passionately. As the rain gave witness, they celebrated their passion and at the same time, unknowingly, they gave spark to another bright life there on the rich Mexican earth.

The farewells the next day were lingering and tearful. Rosa’s mother and sisters were reluctant to part with John who had endured the week of constant attention with his almost unnatural forbearance and calm (he had even favored his Grandmother with an occasional shy smile, something that thrilled Maria beyond words.) Though anxious to be on the road for home, Joshua patiently waited as the parting dragged on into the mid-morning. It was in fact Rosa who finally announced that they must be on their way.

Maria hugged Rosa one last time. Then she kissed John and came over to Joshua. Joshua bent down to meet the old woman and she kissed his cheek softly and murmured something that Joshua later understood was “take care of my child” (though he wasn’t quite sure if she was referring to Rosa or to John.)

Joshua helped Rosa up onto the wagon and then handed up John, who was starting to doze in his basket. He shook hands with Juan, who lingered in the gesture taking Joshua’s massive hand into both of his own. And then they were off.

Rosa looked back waving and smiling as the wagon gingerly negotiated the muddy lane. And then they rounded a corner and Rosa settled back in her seat after making sure that John was comfortably sleeping.

Joshua looked at his wife from the corner of his eye wondering if she was regretting leaving her hometown. Rosa, as if she could hear his thoughts, thanked him for bringing them and then added it would be good to get home.

Save for a broken wagon wheel that took Joshua a half-day to repair, the trip north was also fairly uneventful. Joshua was happy to be out of Mexico. Despite the warmth of his welcome with Rosa’s family, Joshua had never felt more isolated and different…something he, as a white man in a white country, had no frame of reference for. He understood that it made him extremely uncomfortable and it gave him a new awareness of exactly how strong his wife was. If it were possible Joshua found that he loved Rosa more than ever after having spent time in her hometown with her family.

Rosa was surprised…pleasantly so…how much her house felt like home. She had been very happy in her hometown but she couldn’t quite shake the feeling of being a visitor even in her father’s house. This town…this house…this man and this child…they were her home now. And, despite a vague pang of guilt and loss in regards to her former home down south, Rosa found that she was happier than she could ever remember.

Joshua and Rosa settled back into the comfortable pattern of their lives. The news…first intuited by Rosa and then confirmed during one of the doctor’s stops in town…that Rosa was with child again only added to their joy.

Joshua was more relaxed during the second pregnancy…at least to a degree. He continued to work as hard as always and tried to hover around Rosa less than he had during the time she was pregnant with John. He took time out to add another room to their house (“more room to grow in,” he had joked to Rosa, “if we keep making babies at this rate this house is going to have 15 or 20 rooms one day.”)

Rosa for her part kept herself busy taking care of John and the house. She took only scant moments here and there to wish that the child inside her be a girl (a thought she did not share with Joshua who had already voiced his hope for a second son.)

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 9)

The old man…Juan, Rosa’s father…recognized his daughter, regarding her with a mixture of wonder and apprehension, as though she was a ghost returned to mortal form (for in truth he half-expected never to see Rosa alive again) and then looked behind himself and spoke a few words.

An old woman…slightly stooped from years of giving birth and tending children and working sunup to sunset…stepped out onto the porch, her tired eyes bright with excitement. The old woman…Maria, Rosa’s mother…pushed past her husband as the wagon came to a halt in front of the house.

Rosa climbed down from the wagon and allowed herself to be lost in her sobbing mother’s embrace. Some of Rosa’s younger brothers and sisters appeared from seemingly nowhere, all of them amazed and pleased by the unexpected return of their sister…and perplexed by the presence of the big white man.

Joshua sat at the reins of the wagon for a few moments, feeling conspicuous and alien as Rosa and her family bombarded each other with a rush of Spanish. Behind him, John stirred to waking and Joshua reached back and lifted the basket up.

Rosa, who was already turning at the sound of her child, accepted the basket from Joshua and explained to her family that the white man was her husband and that John was their firstborn child.

A couple of Rosa’s brothers helped Joshua tie up the horses while Maria, who had scooped up the bewildered but accommodating child from Rosa’s arms, and her daughters cooed at John.

As Joshua walked close, Rosa whispered something to her father. The old man looked up at the strapping white man (Joshua was easily twice as tall as Juan) taking his measure and then held out his rough-hewn hand. Joshua took the man’s hand and shook it firmly. They looked each other in the eye, speaking not a word in either of their languages, and nodded. That night, after supper, Rosa regaled her family with tales of the north. Joshua, unable to follow any of it, quietly slipped out onto the porch and lit his pipe. Juan soon followed, lighting his own pipe. The two men sat on the edge of the porch, silently smoking and looking up into the cool, dark night.

Joshua couldn’t shake feeling alien during the next week even though his acceptance in the small town was all but universal (a few of Rosa’s would-be suitors displayed some hostility towards him but they were the exceptions.) His command of a scant few Spanish words and phrases were of little service to him and so he kept to himself while Rosa basked in the welcoming familiarity of family and neighbors. At night, the house being crowded and they not wanting to displace anyone, he and Rosa slept in the tent they’d brought with them (Maria having insisted on keeping John in the house) and they talked then. Joshua began to fret that Rosa might not want to end her homecoming.

Rosa had a chance encounter with Manuel, someone with whom she had shared an intense teenage romance. Manuel was married with children of his own and seemingly quite content in the little town. Rosa crossed paths with him while taking a stroll into town to look around on the last day of their visit. They went to their “secret place”…a secluded clearing in the nearby woods…and talked over old times. Manuel offered how things might have been different had Rosa married him…Rosa conceded the truth of that without letting on how little appeal the prospect held for her. When Manuel leaned in to kiss her, Rosa was surprised that she did not turn away. Manuel whispered humidly as he leaned in to embrace her. He pushed in to kiss her again and Rosa, her mind’s eye filled with visions of chaste but potent childhood kissing, responded with a passion. Rosa pulled away, her head swimming, when she felt his hand on her breast. As guilt washed through her, Rosa shook her head and told him that old times were done and that they both had taken vows to others. Rosa turned and left Manuel there in their secret place.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 8)

Rosa greeted this announcement with mixed feelings. Part of her surely longed to return to the muddy avenues she had walked as a girl…to return to see her mother and father and brothers and sisters; but another part seemed to fear the idea as something to be avoided, a door closed that perhaps should not be opened again.

Rosa voiced her vague misgivings and Joshua listened to them patiently. And then, his resolve unshaken, told her that they would make the journey and that it would be okay.

Rosa took a deep breath and damped back any further comment on the matter. Silently she prayed that her husband was right…that it would all be okay.

It took the better part of two weeks to make arrangements for the upkeep of the house and the business that suited Joshua. But once these things were in place, the family set out in a covered wagon bought for the journey from a farmer up the road who had used it to bring his family from Chicago some years before.

As Rosa was double-checking the contents of the wagon before they left she was surprised to see Joshua coming out of the barn carrying a rifle and wearing a gun belt with a great black pistol strapped in it. Rosa had known of the rifle but she had never seen her husband wearing a gun and it gave her pause.

Joshua noticed her concern and told her that the journey they were undertaking was at least a little bit risky and he was not going to have his family unprotected. Having made the journey north, Rosa was aware of the risks…however slight…but the heavy gun on her husband’s belt still left her feeling a bit ill at ease.

The three of them took to the road on a quiet morning, two sturdy horses pulling the wagon as they headed south towards Mexico.

When night fell they camped in a clearing underneath a torrent of blazing stars. Rosa hummed softly as she cooked beans and biscuits over a fire while Joshua smoked his pipe and John cooed contentedly in the basket that was serving as a traveling bassinet.

Rosa noted with some pleasure that, when she brought the baby up to her breast to nurse, Joshua did not grow flustered. As her son suckled at her breast her eyes met those of her husband and Joshua nodded and gave her a small, pride-filled smile. And then Joshua continued to rock softly to a rhythm all his own seemingly extremely content with the clearness of the night, the fragrant smoke from his pipe, and, most of all, the blessed company of his family.

The journey to Mexico was a relatively uneventful affair and when they rounded the road that led into Rosa’s hometown they both felt a sense of relief mixed with a sense of anticipation and apprehension. In his makeshift bassinet behind the seat, John slept blissfully unaware that they had arrived at their destination.

Rosa hadn’t known what to expect when she saw the ramshackle collection of buildings that passed for a main street. Things were pretty much as she remembered them but she felt no real connection to them…she felt no sense of homecoming.

The appearance of a white man in town was not something that would go unnoticed and a curious…but not especially hostile…murmur followed them as they made their way through town towards the houses that lay on its outskirts. Some people recognized Rosa and greeted her…some amiably, some warily…and she returned their greetings, her Spanish fluid and flawless despite the fact that she rarely used it up North.

Rosa felt her throat tighten a bit as they navigated the earthen road that led up to her family’s hard scrabble homestead, a house that now seemed impossibly small for the number of people who lived their at one time or another. Rosa felt her heart well up when an old man…slightly stooped from years of working in the fields to support his seemingly ever-growing family…came out onto the porch to see who the visitors were.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 7)

With their family settling in together nicely, Rosa’s thoughts turned towards her husband’s feelings. For weeks after John’s birth, Joshua didn’t touch her in an intimate way and Rosa began to fret that perhaps her now being the mother of his child had made it hard for him to think of her as a woman to be held and made love to. This was, of course, not outside of her experience…many men in her home town, including her father, sought passion somewhere outside the marriage bed…but the thought of Joshua lying with prostitutes or, even worse, a mistress was not something Rosa wanted to dwell upon for long.

Joshua, for his part, did feel somewhat conflicted. Rosa was the mother of his child now and a part of him…a foolish part to be sure…found it wrong to think of her as just a passionate woman. But, in time, he pushed past that notion…he loved Rosa too much, desired her too much, to not touch her in the ways a man touched his woman. One quiet night, long weeks after John’s birth, he found the courage to reach over and touch her thigh, feeling a wave of relief when Rosa sighed passionately rather than shied away. They didn’t speak to each other; Joshua rolled over and kissed his wife with all the passion that had gone untapped for so long…and she responded in kind.

Rosa put her arms around her husband’s sturdy neck, luxuriating in his touch as his hands pushed up her nightgown and began to explore her body. She delighted in once more feeling the weight of her husband’s strong body as he mounted her and joined with her for the first time in what seemed like ages. She delighted as her body responded in kind to his ardor, feeling happily again Joshua’s woman and not just the mother of his son.

Joshua came to something of a turning point in his relationship to his John one hot afternoon. He’d been working in the barn and he came in to the house to get a drink. Rosa was making biscuits and her hands were covered with dough. John was in his bassinet in the next room. After washing his hands and getting a drink of water, Joshua was about to go back out to work when John started to fuss. Joshua immediately looked over at Rosa but she held up her dough-covered hands and looked at him pleadingly.

Joshua took a deep breath and went to the bassinet. The baby was wet that much he could see right away. Joshua had watched the boy being changed a few times but he had never done it himself. John, for his part, quieted when he saw his father and waited. Joshua very gingerly picked up the boy and put him on the changing table that he had built for Rosa. His hands shaking somewhat, he carefully went through the process of changing the diaper. John, as if he sensed the older man’s discomfort, was patiently quiet throughout the process. Rosa, for her part, smiled knowingly as she continued to knead her dough, stealing loving, watchful glances at the scene but careful not to be caught looking so as not to make Joshua anymore self-conscious than he already was.

When Joshua was done, John’s diaper was a little askew but it was on securely. Joshua lifted the boy, who was still looking at his father with bright, patient eyes, and put him back into the bassinet. Joshua looked over at Rosa who nodded and smiled knowing that any reaction greater than that would only make the man even more self-conscious than he already was. Joshua mumbled something and left to return to the barn. Once outside, he allowed himself a smile of pride and accomplishment.

John grew strong though he continued to befuddle his parents with his even, thoughtful disposition that rarely broke for tears or smiles. When the boy was six weeks old, Joshua announced that they were going to go visit Rosa’s hometown that her parents might be introduced to their grandson.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 6)

The only doctor in town was also the only doctor in the next two closest towns and so on the day Rosa’s water broke he was miles away. A woman from down the road…the wife of a farmer…doubled as the town’s midwife and Joshua road out to get her while a couple of neighbor women stayed with Rosa.

Her experience with helping deliver babies hadn’t really prepared Rosa for the experience of being the one delivering the child. She tried to be strong…especially when she knew Joshua was outside on the porch being kept company by some of his friends from town…but at times the pain was all but unbearable and she cried out despite her determination not to do so. But just when it seemed like the pressure was never going to end, she pushed with all the strength she had left and the stubborn boy quit her body and surged into the outside world with a mighty wail that both startled and tickled his father and his father’s friends.

Joshua had resisted Rosa’s suggestion that the boy be named after him…every man should have his very own name, he argued…and he flatly dismissed her casual suggestion that the boy bear the name of Joshua’s father. In the end they settled on John, a solid Christian name that also just happened to be the American version of Rosa’s father’s name.

After the midwife and the other women had cleaned up Rosa and little John, Joshua had been allowed into the bedroom. Joshua just stood at the foot of the bed beaming at Rosa and his newborn son. At first he refused Rosa’s offers to hold his son for fear his rough hands might unintentionally hurt the child but, eventually, he sat in the chair next to the bed and allowed the midwife to hand John to him. Joshua held the boy gingerly but securely and just stared at him for a long time.

John’s skin was almost as tan as Joshua’s and his hair dark as Rosa’s. His eyes stood out against his olive complexion…they were blue and gray, more one than the other depending on the light. When the baby grew agitated, the midwife announced that it was probably time for him to nurse again and Joshua grew flustered, his face blushing deeply, and handed the baby back to the woman and hurriedly excused himself from the room.

In the days that followed, the household slowly adjusted to a new equilibrium. Joshua continued to work mostly at home despite the fact that Rosa was up and back to her chores the day after giving birth.

Joshua regarded John with wonder and pride but he continued to hover away from the boy as much as possible. Joshua would get close to the baby’s crib every once in a while but he never ventured to pick up the child. He never changed the boy’s diaper and he usually absented himself when Rosa was nursing the child.

Rosa was content to have John sleeping in a crib in their bedroom but Joshua insisted that the boy should be made to sleep in the nursery next door. Joshua put his foot down on this matter partially because he sincerely thought it was the right thing to do and, partially, because he was loathe to be woken from his much needed sleep broken by John’s need to nurse or be changed during the night.

Rosa seethed about the decision for a while, not wanting to be separated from her son at night, but she dutifully obeyed her husband’s order and didn’t raise a fuss when Joshua moved the crib into the nursery. Rosa was restless the first couple of nights, her ears cocked for the slightest sign from John, but she soon settled into a comfortable routine as she realized that the baby was fine and well within earshot should something occur.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 5)

Rosa especially liked the days that Joshua would work in the shop in the barn. She would bring him lunch and cool drinks in the stifling heat of the day. Rosa liked to linger in the doorway watching him, his shirt tossed aside and the dark hair on his torso glistening with sweat, heave his great hammer with fluid, masculine grace. Joshua usually blushed, just a bit, when he caught sight of her but Rosa would ignore that and just give him a drink. She would sop up the sweat from his brow, his shoulders, and his chest with a towel she always remembered to bring with her from the house. Sometimes after she dried him, Joshua would kiss her, lingering in the moment, but most often he would shoo her away with feigned gruffness and a playful swat on her behind and then return to his work with a sly, shy smile on his face.

On Sundays, they went to Preacher Brown’s church and listened to the old man’s fiery sermons with a small portion of the town’s populace (many more women than men.) Joshua wasn’t much for religion…he believed in God but that was about as far as it went. He didn’t really see much use in wasting a perfectly good day like Sunday, a day that could be put to better use getting some work done…but he went because Rosa found comfort in the church and in the words of the man of God. After the sermon…and sometimes Preacher Brown could go on for what seemed like hours…they might take supper at the home of one of Joshua’s friends or customers…or, on occasion, they might invite some folks over to supper at their home.

Rosa had known little about cooking for Americans but Mrs. Henry, a genial widow who lived in town and who never missed a Sunday in Preacher Brown’s church, had taken it upon herself to teach Rosa the ins and outs of cooking for an American male palate. Rosa had proven to be a quick study whose prowess at the stove became something of a feather in her cap that quite admired by the other ladies in town. As a result, invitations to supper at Joshua and Rosa’s house were very rarely turned down.

On every other Tuesday, Joshua and Rosa took the wagon into town to get supplies. Joshua would invariably slip off to make sure things were going okay in the shop while Rosa did the shopping in the general store.

More often than not, Joshua would roll up his sleeves once he got to his shop and get personally involved in one project or another. Rosa, who very quickly recognized the pattern, would finish the shopping and, after the storekeeper’s assistant had loaded up the wagon, she would drive the wagon to Joshua’s shop and wait outside, patiently knitting or exchanging small talk with ladies who happened by.

At some point…often hours later…Joshua would emerge from the great doors of the shop looking both satisfied and chagrined. He would wipe the sweat from his brow, perhaps give a last order to one of the hands, and then climb up on the wagon and spur the horses back towards their home.

On some warm nights, Joshua and Rosa sat on their porch steps looking up into the starry sky. Joshua would smoke his pipe, its fragrant smoke dancing slow circles in the still night air, and talk about the dreams he’d had when he was a boy…talk about life in the east…sometimes, in shaded tones, talk about his mother. Rosa would talk about Mexico…about her parents and her brothers and sisters and her hometown. After talking this way they would look into each other’s eyes and without words tell each other that where they came from didn’t matter as much as where they were…that home was right where they were sitting.

Rosa often would sit behind Joshua on the steps and massage his neck…as she did so she would begin to hum and then softly sing the songs she had heard her mother sing. Joshua would close his eyes, draw slowly on his pipe, and shyly put his hand on one of Rosa’s legs, and everything would seem absolutely right with the world in those moments.

Joshua and Rosa: A Love Story (Part 4)

Rosa was usually very accommodating to Joshua’s moods…a man had the right to be as he wanted in his home, after all…even when her pregnancy started playing havoc with her own emotions. One night though she was out of sorts and his sullen mood irked to the point that she made a barbed comment about it.

Joshua’s hand had come around so fast that it startled both of them. Joshua had sworn to himself that he would never treat Rosa the way he had seen his father treat his mother…he had sworn to himself that he would never raise a hand to his woman...and yet in that terrible moment he had done just that. As Rosa yelped and tumbled gracelessly to the floor, Joshua felt his heart shatter.

Rosa broke her fall with her arms and slid against the wall relatively unharmed. Furious, she spat curses at her husband in Spanish and then crumbled into a ball, crying hot bitter tears.

Joshua had wanted to pick her up…to just reach out for her…but he could not make his body move at first. And then he found his ability to move and he bent down to help his wife up.

Rosa brushed away his arm and scrambled to her feet without his help. She wiped her face and fixed a hard glare on him. Rosa could see the regret in his eyes…in the tears that had welled up there…but it was not something that she was ready to acknowledge. Rosa rubbed her cheek at the spot where he had hit her but, gradually (and just a bit grudgingly), she felt the anger seep from her. Joshua was, she knew in her heart, a good man…a man who loved her…and she was his wife. She had promised to love, honor, and obey him and, while she would not stand for being beaten, a glancing, unthinking slap was not nearly enough for her to forget her love for him.

Joshua started to apologize but Rosa stayed him with a wave her hand, not being a woman who wanted a man to show weakness on her behalf, and slowly moved close to him. Joshua reached out and lifted her off her feet into a tight hug. Joshua closed his eyes tight…not wanting tears to fall from them…and told her that he loved her in a husky, heartbreaking whisper.

Rosa put her arms around her husband’s thick leathery neck and said nothing, the tender tears running down her cheek eloquent testimony to what her heart was feeling.

They never spoke of the incident again. And Joshua never raised his hand to his wife again…he had promised to love, honor, and protect Rosa and that was an oath he took more seriously than anything else in his life.

As Rosa’s pregnancy progressed Joshua began to spend more time close to home. By that time he had trained a couple of hands and they were able to take care of the simpler tasks that came into the shop leaving Joshua with more time to work on the house and the barn. With some advice from a couple of his customers he was even able to sow a small patch of land into a viable vegetable garden that Rosa tended displaying a greener thumb than Joshua himself possessed.

Joshua turned a large portion of his barn into a workshop where he could work on some his customers’ equipment while not being far away from his wife.

Rosa kept telling him not to fret…reminded him that women had babies every day…but she was in fact very pleased that Joshua was worried about her and about their child. Rosa had helped deliver four of her mother’s children so she knew childbirth intimately but even so she was just a bit worried about enduring the experience itself.