Sometimes...

Sometimes I get so selfish and self-pitying that I find myself getting so angry at you…angry and abandoned and alone…but those moments are few and far between and they pass like the wispy tendrils of a lazy morning mist…

Sometimes I still hear your laugh…sometimes I still look to share some bit of nonsense with you….sometimes I forget that you’ve been gone since a cold spring…you’ve been gone through a hard and heart-wounding summer…sometimes I forget…but those moments are few and far between…

Sometimes I smile wistfully…imagining what you would say…imagining what would make smile…imagining what cock your head to the side and say everything you needed to in a withering, knowing look…

Sometimes I rage against the heavens…sometimes I rage against the injustice…sometimes I rage, crying acid tears, because my friend is gone…sometimes…

Sometimes I remember all that was and not all that there should have been…sometimes I smile for having known you rather than cry for having lost you…

Sometimes I wish I had told you everything you meant to me…and sometimes I know that you already knew that…

Sometimes the gray envelops me…threatens to smother me…but sometimes…most times…the light breaks through and I move forward, healed and whole and so much better for having known you…

Sometimes I still hear your life…and sometimes it makes me cry…and sometimes…most times…it makes me smile.

- for M on what would have been his 62^nd birthday -

It's my birthday too, yeah!

It's my birthday and I'm an unabashed fan of birthdays (especially mine) so crank up the video...it's the Beatles, of course... and do a little long distance rock and roll celebrating with me!

Namaste, y'all.

Stars Dancing in the Nighttime Sky

It’s a warm April night and the crickets are singing to the night. Jenny and I are lying on a blanket in the backyard looking up at the stars dancing in the nighttime sky.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“You think there’s more than 500 stars up there?”

I smile. “Yep, there’s a lot more than that. There are millions and millions of stars up there.”

“Millions and millions?” Jenny says incredulously. “Whoa. I’m not sure I can count that high yet.”

I try to imagine what the nighttime sky looks like through 4-year-old eyes. “Did you have a good day?”

“Um-hm,” she replies. “I like birthday parties. Especially birthday parties for me. The only bad part is that when somebody asks me how old I am I can’t say ‘almost four’ anymore.”

“Is being four that much different from being ‘almost four’?”

Jenny sighs softly…there were, she already knew, so many things that parents and other adults simply did not get. “It’s completely different, Daddy,” she says as patiently as she could.

“Well after a while you can start telling people you’re ‘almost five’…”

She pauses as she weighs that and then, with some satisfaction, says, “Yeah, there’s that.”

We are quiet for a while just listening to the crickets and the slight rustling of the liquid amber trees. And then Jenny looks over at me. “Is there a time when I won’t be your little girl anymore? I’m not sure I want to get that old…”

I reach over and stroke her hair. “You’ll always be my little girl…no matter how old you get.”

“That’s good,” Jenny says softly, relief coloring her words. “I love you, Daddy.”

I smile again and let the warmth of the moment wash through me. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

I look up into the sky while Jenny, being the adventurous girl she is, goes back to trying to count all of the stars.

“Happy Birthday, pretty girl,” I whisper not wanting to disturb her mission.

“Thank you, Daddy,” Jenny whispers back not looking down from the stars dancing in the nighttime sky.

- for JLM -

Happy Birthday

Today…March 13^th…is my birthday (and yes, I still enjoy my birthdays :-)

Once upon a time, I was young (see above)…I do not yearn for more youth (everything has its season…every life has its stages to experience and embrace) but I do still yearn for time…time to be awed by more sunsets…time to savor more laughter, to sing with more rainbows and dance with more raindrops…time to luxuriate in more sweet kisses and to nuzzle into more lingering hugs…time to see…time to sing…time to laugh…time to dance…time to learn and teach and discover…time to be.

Once upon a time, I was young…and the future was boundless. I am no longer young as I once was (see below)…but the future…the future is still as boundless as my wits and my imagination will allow…and that’s good enough for me.

* * * * *
More MKW Blogstuff: Neverending Rainbow

Many Happy Returns

Today is my favorite nephew's 11th birthday. It seems like he was a baby just a little while ago...seems like it hasn't been that long since I held him up to a warm summer night's sky and told him, in the vein of the somewhat corny but still meaningful scene from "Roots", to "behold the only thing greater than yourself" (yes, I really did this and I'm only slightly chagrined by my hubris...he just gurgled happily [babies trust me...don't why but they always have] and it was all good.)

I will spare you (and myself) the cliches about time "flying" and the like ...

Springtime weather slipped in here while I wasn't looking. Walking in the breezy sunshine is a grand way to recharge the creative and emotional batteries and that too is all good.

Enjoy the day.

Namaste, y'all.

Important Birthday Questions...

When I get older, losing my hair,
many years from now,
Will you still be sending me a Valentine,
birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
If I'd been out 'till quarter to three,
would you lock the door?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
When I'm 64?

I could be handy, mending a fuse,
when your lights have gone.
You can knit a sweater by the fireside,
Sunday mornings, go for a ride.
Doing the garden, digging the weeds,
who could ask for more?
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
when I'm 64?

Every summer we can rent a cottage
in the Isle of Wight if it's not to dear.
We shall scrimp and save.
Ah, grandchildren on your knee:
Vera, Chuck, and Dave.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view.
Indicate precisely what you mean to say,
yours sincerely wasting away.
Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
when I'm 64?

Today is my birthday…I’m still a ways away from 64 but it never hurts to start getting your ducks in a row as early as possible :-)

Namaste, y’all.

“When I’m 64”
words and music by John Lennon & Paul McCartney

remembering a poet on the anniversary of his birth

I CELEBRATE myself;
And what I assume you shall assume;
For every atom belonging to me, as good belongs to you. 

WALT WHITMAN
(May 31, 1819 - March 26, 1892)