a life (in 500 words or less)

My son likes baseball better than football and he dances like a girl…but then so does his mother so I guess it all balances out.

My oldest daughter thinks I’m strange but lovable…while my youngest daughter thinks I’m just strange…I guess that balances out as well.

My wife thinks her ass is too big…I think her big ass is sexy but I’ve learned better than to make that observation out loud.

My dog likes to wait until I’m comfortably settled in my recliner before he starts jumping around like he’s gonna whiz all over the carpet in the family room…I get up grumbling and open the back door and he stands in the middle of the patio smirking at me. Dogs do indeed have senses of humor.

My cat ignores me except when I’m putting food in her dish or I have the residue of Vicks VapoRub on my hand…my cat likes to lick Vicks VapoRub residue. I think she’s a strange creature and I’m sure that, on those odd occasions that she considers me at all, she thinks the same of me.

My house is 50 years old and it sits in a pastel suburb of a dull gray city…there are rosebushes in the back garden and a “no solicitors” sign on the front door to ward off Jehovah’s Witnesses, teenage magazine subscription sales persons, and Girl Scouts with cookie order forms (Jehovah’s Witnesses, teenage magazine subscription sales persons, and Girl Scouts all apparently believe that my sign doesn’t pertain to them as they ring my doorbell anyway…I’m not sure when I’m ever going to get caught up on the Watchtower pamphlets, Sports Illustrated issues, and boxes of Thin Mints I’ve somehow accumulated…)

My car is 10 years old and has apparently decided to put my mechanic’s children through medical school.

My doctor says that I’m reasonably healthy for a man my age but that I should run more and eat less red meat (we both know that neither of those things is gonna happen but I think he’s obligated to put them on the table at least once a year.)

My job consists of moving papers from one side of the desk to the other (and sometimes back again)…I’m not really intellectually challenged but it pays enough to keep collection agents from having to know my number so I’m okay with that. My boss is, of course, an idiot…any monkey (including and especially me) could do his job better than him…but I don’t begrudge him (seems like a lot more B.S. for not that much more money…I don’t really think that’s a good trade off.)

I go bowling on Tuesday nights and play golf every other Saturday morning. I go to church every Sunday (except during the football season.)

I like Letterman better than Leno…beer better than white wine…rib-eyes better than boneless/skinless chicken breasts…and gardeners better than owning a lawn mower.

My name is Bob and that is my life. Thank you for your kind attention.