Babies

I’ve been thinking about babies lately. I’m not sure why. I’ve been blessed to play a part (hopefully a positive part) in the lives of a good number of amazing children in my time…stepchildren, foster children, cousins, nephews, nieces, offspring of friends, friends of the other children in my life…and babies have always seemed to like and feel safe with me.

But circumstances never came together in a way that allowed me to co-create a biological child. In our increasingly crowded world, maybe that’s not a bad thing….but sometimes, just sometimes, there is a void that tugs (however foolishly) at my heart.

When I was a teenager I had already decided on names for my first two children…it was a silly thing but it was a gentle madness and I just went with it…but, of course, life happens the way it’s going to without regard for any plans we make for it (the boy’s name ended up being used by my father and his third wife for their son…the girl’s name came to be associated with a friend I would meet in my twenties.)

And I understand and accept that. And I’ve got no complaints about the love and kinship that has filled my cynically optimistic life with bountiful gifts of love, light, and laughter…but sometimes, just sometimes, I still find myself wondering “what if?”

Sometimes I think about tiny hands grasping my fingers or touching my face…I think about small, wondrous heartbeats and warm breath of sleeping children playing like the sweetest, softest songs imaginable against my chest or on my shoulder…and I still find myself wondering…

Sometimes, just sometimes, I find myself thinking about babies…thinking about a child I’ve co-created blooming strong and sure in a nurturing womb, a child coming into the world and into arms that would always be welcoming and protective, a child growing strong and sure under watchful (but hopefully not overprotective) eyes and never-ending love, support, encouragement, and acceptance.

Sometimes…even at my “advanced age”…I think about babies. It’s a silly thing but it’s a gentle madness so I just go with it until it passes.